Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Getting It Off My Chest

I have been dealing with something that I have kept most of my friends and family from and I think it is time to put it out there, share it and try and begin the healing process.

I separated from my wife Molly in January and moved out to an apartment in Thornton.In that time I began a relationship with someone I worked with. Yes I know, you should never get involved with a co-worker but as anyone who knows me well will attest. I have a habit of ignoring very common advice that I knew BEFORE I ended up jumping into whatever I was involved in. For worse she has a family and a husband and yet I found myself star struck by this woman who is several years my senior. Should I have know better, used better judgment? YES. I rationalized it in the beginning by saying that life was short and we all deserve to be happy and damn the future, today is the only thing that matters. In reality it was the pain I was suffering taking over my ability to make good choices for me and I let myself down and those around me.

Then I compounded my judgment by falling in love with her. I have never believe that falling in love is a choice that any of us have, it is something that happens to you, often when you least expect it and with those you never would have guessed. So here I was freshly separated from a marriage of 5 years and involved in a romantic relationship with a married mother who I worked with, good job Drew really hats off to you sir....

We had some wonderful times together that I would not ever trade and will never forget for the rest of my life. As most of you reading will have guessed by now, things ended and they did not end well, I won't go into it here but I will say that her other half found out about our companionship not once but two different times.

I find myself missing her everyday, while it has been two months since the last time I set eyes on her, it seems to be getting worse for me, not better. I know that I will love her all of my life and I may never fully get over her, who knows, time will tell.

I have found some peace in the fact that I hold no regrets over what happened or the choices I made. Now that might seem strange to most but to me it was something that made me happy and I enjoyed making her happy. The things we said, did and shared have changed me so deeply and I am thankful for the experience. I did a lot of growing up in the last few months and I am a different person because of it.

The lesson I learned above all else is one of strange conflict in one of our most sacred ideals. When we are young, most of us are told by parents, teachers, friends and family that we can accomplish and attain anything that we want if we only put everything we have into it. This is a piece of advice that I have always pondered but was too damned scared to ever think of putting into action. My relationship with her showed me that, well at least for now, that you can put everything you have as a person into something and you may very well not get what you want out of it.

Realizing this was painful and frustrating for me but it was also tremendously liberating in the fact that I did the very best I could. I worked my hardest, I was honest and forthright with my feelings and showed her the affection she deserved. I know now that when push comes to shove and I try my hardest at something I will not always achieve it and that is okay.

I am thankful for the time I spent with her, the wonderful moments that we shared and the dreams I have had of her. I will try to move on, move passed the pain of not having her to talk to or have her eyes to look into. I know chances are good that I will never see her again and it is something I have not yet accepted, I am hopeful that I will set my eyes on her again someday. Though if this does not happen and I do not get the closure that I want with her. I want her to know that I was blessed to have shared the time, the feelings and the warmth together. We both did the best we could and I wish her the very best, both for her and her family and all of those she cares for.

You changed me forever my angel and I hope that I did the same for of fortune my love.....

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